A Revelation

So I had a revelation tonight while I was doing my devotions. I was reading through 2 Corinthians and in chapter 5 it talks about how we are now in our earthly bodies but longing to be in our heavenly bodies. It got me to thinking about my earthly body and things I have done to it. For some background information, I have struggled with cutting since I was in 8th grade. I don't struggle as much as I did in high school, but every once in a while I do fall into that sin. Most often I try to hide my scars because I am afraid of what others will think of me or that others might ask me about them. After reading about our heavenly bodies, I got to thinking. When I get to heaven, I won't have all the scars that I do here on earth. I won't have the reminders of the sin that I have committed. I won't be able to use my scars to tell my story. I shouldn't be ashamed of my scars. I shouldn't hide them like I do. I will never know when someone might see them and give me the opportunity to share my story. There is a quote that I always would repeat to myself when I was in high school and heavy struggling with cutting.

"I am useful to God not IN-SPITE of my scars, but because of them."

That quote has a whole new meaning to me now. I also realize that I don't need to hurt myself when I am full of sorrow, but I need to run to Him who has strength. Just thought I'd share this thought with others. I just feel so humbled and full of peace and hope right now. I KNOW now that there is a purpose for the pain. No matter how crappy life may seem, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

Getting More Difficult...

Things have been going wrong a lot lately. I can't seem to do anything right. I'm very tempted to do some things that I used to.....not a good thing.

Forgiven

I've really been struggling lately with a lot of things from my past. I was really down while I was driving home today. I got sick of the radio, so I popped in my ipod. I put it on shuffle, and the song Forgiven by Sanctus Real happened to come on. The lyrics are:

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I'm reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won't let me forget

In this life
I know what I've been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I'm forgiven
I'm forgiven
And I don't have to carry
The weight of who I've been
Cause I'm forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I'll relive my days, in
the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain,
wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

When I don't fit in and I don't
feel like I belong anywhere
When I don't measure up to much in this life
Oh, I'm a treasure in the
arms of Christ ‘cause

I love the last stanza. It reminds me that no matter what other people think of me,

I am always going to be worth more than gold to God.

Struggles

I really haven't written on this thing for a while. This is more of a vent then anything right now. I've been having a rough start to my junior year. Towards the end of the summer, my mom and I got into a huge fight that ended in her calling me a selfish bitch and then me moving out for the last three weeks. She sort of apologized which is a step up for my mom, but yet what she said still makes me second guess myself. I've just really been struggling with what to do about this. I don't really have anyone that I'm extremely close to at school. I just kind of go through the motions without even thinking about why I'm doing what I'm doing or what I'm doing it for. I just feel alone in this life at the moment. It's a constant battle for me every day to keep on going with my future plans. I don't feel like I can do well enough in school, I'm scraping by to pay for school, and I don't know if I'll be able to pay off my loans when I'm done with school. I've also been having horrible pains in my shoulders this year that is preventing me from doing my best in my conducting class and in playing. I have a junior recital in 5 weeks and I can barely get through a day of playing for 2 hours. It's very discouraging at the moment. This song has been kind of my theme song this year:

It's funny how the walk of life

can take you down without a fight

So many years can lay behind

regretfully before it's time

To realize the moment when you turn around

I'm coming home

to breathe again, to start again

I'm coming home

from all the places I have been

with nothing but a voice within

that calls me, calls me home

I just need to get back up again when I fall, but right now it's just so hard to do.

"Strange things happen for a reason."

So, for the last couple weeks I've been having pains in my arms and hands. I didn't know what was going on, and I hadn't done anything to them that I can remember. It started with just my right pointer finger getting swollen and hurting. I had it in a splint for a while. When I first got the splint on, I had a trombone lesson later that day. When I went into my lesson, Doc asked me about my finger. I told him the story, and he sat there for a minute and then said, "Emily, strange things happen for a reason."
Well, last week the pain moved to my arms and when I went to the doctor they did blood tests. They were all normal, but my mom mentioned that they didn't test my blood sugar. So, tonight when I got back from TSC, she had me test my blood sugar. It was 146. In women, if it is higher than 126, then it can be a sign of diabetes. I'm not quite sure if it was an accurate test because I had ice cream an hour before then, but I still have to check it again in the morning and call the doctor to get an appointment before I go back to school at 4. Like Doc said, strange things happen for a reason.
As I'm writing this, I'm thinking about "strange things" that have happened in my life that have lead me to something. If my mom hadn't argued with our previous pastors of churches, I wouldn't have met the awesome group of girls that was my small group in high school. If I hadn't gone to Wartburg, I wouldn't have met the great people that I have, and I probably wouldn't be as strong in my faith as I am now. If I hadn't heard about East St. Louis, I wouldn't have gone on the trip and decided I want to teach in an Inner-city school. Everything happens for a reason. There are no mistakes or coincidences in life. God makes things happen because he has a plan for us. Even though sometimes we may not like what happens, we have to know that God has a plan for what we're going through. No matter if is a big thing or small thing.

Is Christ My Life??

I just got back not too long ago from the Easter drama/service at Cornerstone. The play was called Goodbye Charlie. It was very powerful and really made me question all the stuff I thought that I was doing for God. The pastor came out and gave a mini sermon after the play was finished. The thing that really stuck with me of what he said was when he asked if Christ is our life. That's a good question. I never really think about that. Is CHRIST my life? Is HE the one that I consult to for everything? Is he my best friend? Or do I just go to him when I'm in need? I so often forget that Jesus is there for me no matter if life is good or if life is rocky.

Beauty in a place full of desolation

For spring break I went on a service trip to East St. Louis, IL. If you don't know anything about ESL, it is a city that used to be 100,000 people and is now to 30,000 people. The city is 97% African American, and it is full of poverty and homelessness. The crime rate in the city is well above the national rate. Amidst all this desolation is a gleam of hope from various different organizations and the homeless themselves.

The group I went with to do service in the city stayed at a home called the Hubbard House. The house used to be a convent and was transformed into a home where volunteers and others stay. The house is named after Joe Hubbard. He is a man that has done a lot for the city since he was a teenager. There is a story about Joe getting mugged, and when the mugger saw the ID in the wallet and who it was he mugged, he went back and helped Joe up and apologized for mugging him. That is how well known he is in the city amongst the people in poverty and homeless.

Two doors down from the house is a school called the Sister Thea Bowman Catholic School. In this school, students are from a variety of families, but they are 100% African American. The students study, learn violin, learn art, and also learn ballroom dancing. In a classroom, 1/3 of the students don't have fathers due to them being in prison or from deaths. There is one story of a girl that Sister Marge, a wonderful lady that is in charge of the Hubbard House, told us. This second grade girl's name is Chloe. She lost her mother when she was 3 years old. Her aunt and aunt's boyfriend have been taking care of her since then. Chloe relates better to adults. Sister Marge said that it is like she is an adult trapped in a 7 year old's body. While we were at the school observing and helping out, I sat with her class at lunch, and she kept asking me if I would be her mom for the day. Just knowing the background of her made me wonder what her life is like to know that she doesn't have her mom with her. One of the other girls on our trip said that last year Chloe asked her where her mom was, and Chloe answered her own question by pointing up.

While we were in the city, we did homeless patrol and handed out 58 lunches to the homeless in the city. Paulyn was the lady that took us around to find the people that were on the streets and needed food. While she was driving us around, we looked under some bridges, and she showed us where some people slept. I was stunned at what I saw. They are literally sleeping right underneath the road under a major highway in ESL. I don't even know how they could sleep under there. She also told us about how people keep convincing the police that it is illegal to be homeless. So, when the police pick up the homeless, they bring them out of the city limits and drop them off, but it is also illegal for people to hitchhike. The system sets them up to fail. Also while we were on homeless patrol, we gave food to a man that goes by Wolf. He was talking to Paulyn about how he got jumped and lost his ID and that he needed to get a new one, but he didn't have his birth certificate. But to get his birth certificate, he needed an ID which he didn't have. It's set up for them to fail.

There is so much more I have to tell about the city, but I need to get to my homework. The one last story I have to tell deals with how much I saw God in the city and in everything we did. When we were at the soup kitchen, I went to eat my lunch and sat with a man named Allen. I wasn't quite sure how to start the conversation, but he just jumped right in and asked about what our group was doing in the city and where we were from. After we got through that topic, I asked him if his parents lived around ESL, but he answer saying that they were in the cemetery. I then asked him if he had any siblings, and he said that he had two sisters but they are gone too. I wasn't quite sure what to say. He then asked me, and this I will never forget, "What do you do when you don't have any family left? I guess you pray a little harder." I was amazed at how much faith he had even though he literally had nothing. He had no family and was homeless, but he had God.