I really haven't written on this thing for a while. This is more of a vent then anything right now. I've been having a rough start to my junior year. Towards the end of the summer, my mom and I got into a huge fight that ended in her calling me a selfish bitch and then me moving out for the last three weeks. She sort of apologized which is a step up for my mom, but yet what she said still makes me second guess myself. I've just really been struggling with what to do about this. I don't really have anyone that I'm extremely close to at school. I just kind of go through the motions without even thinking about why I'm doing what I'm doing or what I'm doing it for. I just feel alone in this life at the moment. It's a constant battle for me every day to keep on going with my future plans. I don't feel like I can do well enough in school, I'm scraping by to pay for school, and I don't know if I'll be able to pay off my loans when I'm done with school. I've also been having horrible pains in my shoulders this year that is preventing me from doing my best in my conducting class and in playing. I have a junior recital in 5 weeks and I can barely get through a day of playing for 2 hours. It's very discouraging at the moment. This song has been kind of my theme song this year:
It's funny how the walk of life
can take you down without a fight
So many years can lay behind
regretfully before it's time
To realize the moment when you turn around
I'm coming home
to breathe again, to start again
I'm coming home
from all the places I have been
with nothing but a voice within
that calls me, calls me home
I just need to get back up again when I fall, but right now it's just so hard to do.
